By Brigid Moynahan
Although many women managers currently outscore male peers in a host of leadership measures, they are still being passed over when it comes to promotion to top jobs. One reason? When female candidates use a lot of what experts call “feminine” speech patterns it can lead decision-makers to erroneously conclude they lack the confidence needed for success in the boardroom.
Linguists have identified powerful differences in the way men and women communicate. Phrasing statements as questions, adding provisional words like “perhaps”, “maybe”, or “I think”, and adding tag questions to the end of sentences like “don’t you?”, “O.K.?”, or “do you think?” are all common feminine markers. This style helps build rapport and trust when negotiating, mediating, coaching, and handling customer complaints. But it can backfire in competitive settings when rivals are competing for air-time.
Men’s language, in contrast, is characterized by “male markers” that help them gain and keep status when their interactions become more about dominance than consensus. Male markers include strong, declarative sentences, stating opinions of facts, strategic withholding feedback (poker face), and frequent use of interruptions or topic shifts to gain and keep the floor.
Given these differences, a woman who uses a highly connected style of communications may be overlooked and undervalued in meetings with colleagues who value gaining the floor over gaining consensus. On the other hand, a male leader seeking connection may be misunderstood if he attempts to reach out using assertive rather than provisional language. If, for example, Sally is having a hard time saying “no” to a client and Bob, wanting to be helpful responds: “You shouldn’t have let that client push you around.” Sally is likely to hear his comment as critical, not supportive. If Bob had instead communicated his thoughts as a question – “Sally, I’m wondering…is your client making too many demands on you?” – he would likely get a better reception.
Every leader needs to learn to “gender flex” to find the right balance of assertion and collaboration. Here are tips for strengthening your assertion to achieve stronger status:
• make your points without adding tag questions (such as don’t you think);• avoid unnecessary qualifiers, state your opinions definitively “That’s an excellent point” is stronger than “I think that’s a pretty good point, don’t you?”;
• lower your voice at the end of sentences to avoid “up speak”, which is the tendency to end each statement with a raised inflection that makes it sound as if you are asking a question or seeking approval.
If you have a highly self-assertive style and your goal is to make stronger connections by involving others more in conversation, try the following:
• phrase your opinions provisionally, using qualifiers like “perhaps” or “I think” or by stating them as questions;• add tag questions to the end of sentences to solicit the opinions of others;
• increase the amount of non-verbal feedback you give to speakers, nodding your head, and offering encouragement that draws them in.
Women business leaders are discovering that how you say something is as important as what you say. Becoming more aware of your communications style can ensure that your leadership is heard and recognized.
© 2005-2008 The Next Level, Inc. All rights reserved.
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