Ruminating? You need a reflection process that works.
Rumination results from repressing self-reflection, a productive instinct towards growth. To stop the cycle, create a regular calibration process to reflect, then act.
There’s a name for people with no capacity for self-reflection. They’re disproportionately represented in the C suite. Let’s stop pedestalizing psychopathy by valuing action alone.
A hallmark of connected leadership is interpersonal agility—responsiveness to the interpersonal needs of the moment. It's developed by reflecting on interactions and calibrating—dialing up and down certain characteristics.
For the connected leader, reflection and action are parts of a whole. To use a made-up word, they “reflact”- act, reflect on their action, then act with greater awareness, developing as they do. Reflacting takes guts because we see the work. Connected leaders circle back, calibrate, pivot, and let us know why. And reflaction develops the kind of leaders we need now.
A story: A Success Circle alum at a new company requested a coaching session. She’s a “double only"—the only female and the only person of color on the leadership team—and it’s her first time in the C suite. “I might have a confidence issue,” she pronounces, coming onto the zoom. She’s quick to confess: She's been ruminating, having cyclical thoughts of doubt, the very presence of which is evidence she’s not fit for the role.
We have outdated ideas of who belongs in the C suite. The leadership mainstream remains male and masculine. Traditionally perceived masculine characteristics of forward, action orientation have been lauded, while the traditionally perceived feminine characteristics of a more reflective, interpersonal orientation have been rejected. Out of balance, we’ve rewarded recklessness.
The instinct towards reflection, specifically on interpersonal dynamics, is often misinterpreted as insecurity and indecisiveness. Women have felt the brunt of this judgment. Women have larger language centers in the brain, lending to an outsized capacity to reflect on interpersonal dynamics. Strengths suppressed become weaknesses. When the productive instinct for reflection is repressed, it resurfaces as rumination—a self-destructive and self-perpetuating cycle. Women on average engage more in rumination, which is correlated to their higher rates of depression. To solve for rumination, value reflection as an equal piece of the reflaction process.
But how? Back to our session, I asked her to do something insane—listen to the voice in her head that’s ruining her life. What is it saying? She pauses. After her last meeting with the CEO, she says, she’s been worrying about whether she’d been too passive or too assertive. She went on to explain, her role is to align disparate parties to get a potentially life-saving drug to market. She's in a unique position to offer a fresh perspective on working with a governing body. She's also the new hire, still building understanding, and tasked with delivering hard news. In short, her role requires level 10 interpersonal agility-or “dynamism,” as my recent Listen to Lead podcast guest and Both/And coauthor Marianne Lewis calls it.
By voicing her doubt, we shifted the conversation from how to silence herself to how to value and develop herself. It’s amazing to be able to play back a scene from multiple angles, considering POVs she couldn't in the moment. And, through this process, she's developing the ability to see more next time, attuning in real time. What we discovered was her need for a post-meeting reflaction process to calibrate her assertiveness.
5 minutes for three simple Qs you can start using right away:
How did I show up?
How did it go?
What will I try next time?
Not only will this process inform how she’ll show up, it preps self-acceptance. She’s prepping to accept that yes, she will be called to reflect after, and that is her call towards growth. And she’s not expecting to "get it right.” Rather, she’ll continue to "reflact"—building awareness and calibrating, attuning in real time, and becoming the kind of leader she admires.
Speaking of, she had an addendum to her story. After her last meeting, in which she feared she’d missed the assertiveness mark, in the midst of powering through said rumination cycle, her boss, the CEO, gave her a ring. He’d called to express appreciation for her perspective and apologize for speaking over her in the last meeting. An unprompted, genuine expression of appreciation and apology from a CEO is, sadly, remarkable.
She went on to tell me how much she admires him. He values everyone’s time, is exceptionally aware of multiple perspectives, is gracious and kind, and whip smart in the moment. When he misses the mark, he circles back. Wouldn’t we all want to work with a leader like that? Indeed, he’s a major reason why she took the role.
The tendency to value in others what we overlook in ourselves is all too common. And, the more models we have of connected leadership, the more we will “see to be” the appreciative, thoughtful, whip smart leaders we seek to be.
However tied up you may get in rumination is how much you’re being called towards productive self-reflection. You just need a process. Try the one mentioned here, jump in a session to create your own, or apply to join Next Level Leadership Success Circles 2024, launching June 11th, to enter a community of connected leaders for your greatness.
To attuning as we grow,
Lucia
Applications are now open for Next Level Leadership Success Circles 2024: Learn more
Tune in to the latest Listen to Lead podcast episode, L2L 3.4 Marianne Lewis: The Both/ And Thinker