Great Pause Moments
Why self-neglect is selfish and your great pause.
Last week, we held a Success Circles session. As we came to a close, Circlers shared action commitments, ready to go-go-go! Then, a Circler asked a tire-screech question: “I hear a lot of great things we're doing, but how're we resourcing ourselves? We're supposed to put our oxygen masks on first, but how?”
The room paused. I had a confession to make. Part of the day's process was supposed to be a coaching moment on the question, “How're you being supported?” I’d skipped it. When it came to our most valuable resource—time together—I hadn’t actually seen the value in it.
Connected leadership is leading in service of the all-inclusive whole, self included. Your first job is to fortify yourself to regulate stress, connect well, and model sustainable practices. As we lead from within a web of connections, each of us effects the whole. We are unequivocally interdependent.
And a leader's psychological state has an outsized effect on the whole, a dynamic known as “leadership contagion.” At the same time, as leaders advance and the need for emotional regulation rises, unregulated stress causes a decline in it. This dynamic is known as “power stress.” It’s toxic.
When we neglect ourselves, we become unable to regulate our emotions, sending negativity across our webs. We lose our cool in a meeting; the room turns ice cold. We speak curtly to a direct report; they shove that disrespect off on a new hire. Through self-neglect, we create toxic cultures. Through self-care, we create caring cultures.
To put self-care first, see my post “But First, Fortify'' on the three pillars Success Circles rely on. One simple reminder comes from founding Success Circle member Phoebe Atkinson: “Give yourself permission to be human.”
Pausing to ask, “How am I being supported?” is indeed a humbling admission of humanity. That’s why it’s hard and why I skipped it. And if we don’t pause, life makes us. I call these “Great Pause Moments.” They’re the exact thing we need at the exact moment we need them. They’re horrible. Mine came in my mid-twenties.
My Great Pause: Hollywood Dreams to Mom's House in Jersey
In my mid-twenties, I moved from New York to L.A. with no financial or personal support to forge my way as an actress/ comedian in Hollywood. I moved fast to not feel fear. Straight from LAX, I signed a lease on a car, then another on the first CraigsList apartment I found. I started a two-week actor showcase for industry professionals while working out multiple times a day. I would out-hustle doubt.
Then I busted my knee. Cut to me on the couch, recovering from surgery, asking my roommate to pick up my groceries from the Hollywood and Vine Trader Joes. My stomach began to hurt. I was booked for a Next Level/Leadership gig in NY. I boarded the flight. Once back, I couldn’t work. I ended up back home at my mom’s house in N.J. A Springsteen song, but opposite.
My condition deteriorated until I couldn’t swallow water. I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. What followed was slow. I spent three months at mom’s, relearning to eat, walk, and speak. I was forced to listen to the subtlest cues of my body: the stressors that caused pain, how to nourish it, and how to move slowly. Going to therapy for the first time, my therapist called this moment “the horrible gift.” WTF. I just felt horrible. One day I asked in desperation, “When do I get back to the way I was?” She looked at me with loving eyes and said, “I hope you never do.”
As I came back to life, it was not the same. My perception changed. A shower or walk offered more than enough to appreciate. My relationships deepened. Forever seeking love by performing, I found it in my weakest state. And, as I returned to work, I found I’d had it backwards.
As a leadership trainer, I thought my job was to teach people to be impressive. I’d mistaken speed for fearlessness, when fear makes us run. I’d mistaken isolation for strength, when strength allows us to connect. I discovered the truth of what I now call connected leadership: a path of holistic interdependence, moving at the pace of life to thrive together.
If you’re in the horrible now, the gift is coming. Pause for it.
Journaling prompt: Your Great Pause
What was your “Great Pause” ? Who were you before it? How did it unfold? How are you different now?
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