Opposing Is Thinking the Same.

Watching an interview with a divisive leader, I noticed a pattern. The interviewer would ask a question containing an underlying assumption. She'd say, “Actually, the exact opposite is true.” Then, flip the question and speechify. As the conversation ended, they'd built nothing but tension.

There’s a conception that by opposing, we’re thinking differently. In a sense, we are. We’re thinking differently than each other. And we’re thinking the same as we have before.

Fully opposing, like fully agreeing, is a commitment to status of thinking. When we oppose or agree, we're in a zero-sum verbal game wherein winner converts loser.

Real conversations happen when we listen and build, rather than oppose or agree. This requires leaving our fortresses of right and wrong to enter a space where something new can emerge. This is the space the Sufi mystic Rumi points us to: "Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there."

A real conversation is a catalyst for insight. An insight, or aha moment, is when two separate items in the mind merge into a new thought form. When this happens, energy is released. The seed and spark of creativity. We leave real conversations energized, not drained.

One of my favorite interviewers of all time is Oprah Winfrey because of her immense hunger to listen and understand. She’s an "aha" junkie. In the intro to her podcast Super Soul Sunday, you hear her announce, “I’ve never thought of that before!!!” with the pride and joy of Edison discovering the light bulb.

Thinking anew enlivens.

Note: Due to the immeasurable powers of brand marketing, Steve Jobs will forever be associated with the phrase “Think Different.” According to most accounts, he may more accurately be remembered for saying, “Think Like Steve.” He was an undeniable genius whose impact would be hard to overstate, and his apparent lack of human interconnection nearly bored me to death. On a long drive, 5 hours into the audiobook of his Walter Isaacson biography, I fell asleep and nearly hit a truck. I’m happy to report that both I’m okay (!) and I won’t be completing the book.

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For more on thinking better together, follow Listen to Lead podcast for our upcoming interview with Marianne Lewis, co-writer of "Both/And Thinking: Embracing Creative Tensions to Solve Your Toughest Problems"

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