Breaking Good Student Syndrome
I used to be a good student.
Good student syndrome is the belief that hard work will earn recognition and this will amount to self-worth. We all need recognition. And, when this is our primary motivation, we end up disappointed and depleted. Once we get it, many suffer the listless depression that plagues Olympic winners. Is this it? And if so, now what?
Being a good student would get us what we’re seeking, if life were fair.
I spent a decade as an actor in LA waiting to be recognized. I was waiting for a call. “You did it!,” (INSERT NAME) would say. “You met natural talent with dogged work ethic and now Ryan Phillipe wants to marry you on a yacht while Natalie Portman, in all her graceful humility, passes her Oscar to you.” “You deserve this Lucia,” she’d say, “you worked harder than me.’” Then- in a fleetingly clear-headed moment, it occurred to me: Who was this unknown caller? I was waiting on a call from a god I didn’t believe in. Scam likely. Indeed, good students are perfect prey for those with god complexes. Hollywood continues to tell this same sad story.
(See my Listen to Lead interview with reporter Jennings Brown on the tactics of cult leaders)
My older brother was a role model bad student. He made up facts and still won the middle school history award for being the best debater our teacher’d ever had. High school staff loved him even though he never went to class. Apparently, the librarians found him good company. He later told me what he learned in high school was “how to work a system.” He went on to have a successful career in the NYC restaurant industry, one of the trickiest systems there is. Infuriating? I know.
About seven years ago, I was creating a big comedy show in Vegas. It was a major opportunity, so I was working hard: 4 a.m. writing sessions, all-day rehearsals, dance class at night. Midway through a rehearsal, my director, Voki Kalfayan, said, “Lucia, people are coming to this show to have fun, not to see how hard you work.”
The how creates the what.
If I was howing with no fun, the show would be… no fun. It took a retreat to Joshua Tree years later to send him a handwritten note-to-self, “HAVE FUN!” It’d finally clicked. Good students can be slow learners.
A good student’s focused on proving verse creating. Our work reflects this intention. Ultimately, it’s self-serving versus generous and generative.
A colleague had a major miss. After months of painstakingly planning a leadership team training to improve their interpersonal skills, it fell flat on its face. When they got into the room, people- who should’ve been the focus- became the wild cards. She was unable to flex.
(See my post on interpersonal agility)
It cost her the client. After she said, “I don't know how this happened. I killed myself putting this together.” When the how is painstakingly, the what will be painful.
The good student believes life should be fair. The hardest worker should win. How dull. There’s a specific quality you bring to everything you do. How can you be tapped in and turned on to your unique genius? How can you share it as generously and wholeheartedly as possible?
One of my best lessons in bad studentship came in high school. My teacher lost her grade book. Absurdly, we all got Bs. She was a bad teacher who taught a perfect lesson.
I'm not saying we should not care or not work hard. You care. You work hard. The questions are: What do you care about? Why do you work hard? Your specific what and why may help you find a better how.
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