What’s Right With You?

We're democratizing coaching via Success Circles peer coaching programs. My mission is for you to become your own best coach. Great coaching is about great questions, starting with the ones you ask yourself. Let's begin.

Last week, I had my first coaching session with a university leader. I asked about a strength she brings to her role. She named long-term, holistic vision. Fantastic. I asked her to share it. She began painting a dynamic picture of the department’s future. Her eyes lit up as she described a harmonious, expanding ecosystem. I was hooked. 

Then, she stopped. Her eyes took on sharp-shooter focus. As if stepping outside herself, she fired, “You see, this is what’s wrong with me!” She then began opening remarks on a self-indictment of her wrongness. It was convincing. She detailed how she thinks and communicates too non-linearly for anyone to understand. As the shots landed, she seemed almost pleased. “Now that I’m accurately criticizing myself,” she seemed to be thinking, “we’re getting somewhere.” 

Naming what’s wrong with us is, paradoxically, a way of being right. It feels good to be right, even about what’s wrong. Our mind craves certainty and agency; If I know what’s wrong (certainty), I can make it right (agency). The trouble with looking for the problem is, we'll always find it. 

After a lifetime of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” and coming up with convincing answers, we habitualize self-diminishment. Rather than allowing our gifts to grow, we shrink from our own judgment. After a lifetime of this, a glimmer of skepticism from the outside can become ample closing evidence. Proof! We are indeed, once again, right about being wrong.

Becoming your own best coach is about taking perspective and asking better questions (See “Become Your Own Best Coach”). I define a better question as one that generates more useful answers. Let’s put this into practice.

Do you hear yourself asking some version of the question, “What’s wrong with me?” When you do, don't answer. Any answer will reinforce the habit of self-diminishment. Instead, pause, remember this article, and ask a better question.

How about, “What’s right with me?” What you will find will likely be a differentiating strength, a rare gift that is yours to cultivate and give.

Cut back to the coaching session. After listening patiently to her opening remarks, I noted, “That’s interesting. You mentioned your strength is long-term, holistic vision. It sounds like you were just communicating it.” She paused. "You're right,” she said. It feels good to be right about what’s wrong, but it feels by degrees better to be right about what’s right.  Bolstered by this positive affirmation, we went on to explore how she could better apply her holistic, long-term thinking, including partnering with her more linear-thinking colleagues.

Inclusion starts with self. As we ask better questions and generate affirming answers, we honor our diversity. By switching the question to “What's right with me?” we begin to cultivate our differentiating strengths. As we do, this generosity extends itself. We find ourselves thinking, “What's right with them?" and discovering wonderful things. Encouragement builds cultures of emergent excellence. This is the art and practice of connected leadership. 

If interested in one-on-one coaching and Success Circles peer coaching programs, contact us.