Navigating Sticky Feedback

How can we feel it all and be strong? 

A horrible thing happened this morning. I asked for feedback and got it.

I woke up early for a winter writing session. Channeling a Bronte, I lit a candle, made coffee, and sat down to begin. Then, I opened Gmail. Reading the email with said feedback, my brain said, “Not too bad.” “Shame spiral,” went my body, the force of nature that she is. 

Feedback is hard. Personality-based feedback is harder. Women on average receive more personality-based feedback than men, and it’s more often negative. A worthy interpretation of this is that women are more likely to be expected to meet impossible personality expectations.

I received my first personality-based feedback in 4th grade. I solicited it directly from my best friend, Alex. In the backyard by the bird feeder, I asked for it straight: “What do you hate about me?” She looked at the bird feeder, then the tree. What the actual curse word? Moments ago, we’d been planning a dream vacation with imaginary dogs. Now this? She didn’t hate me. No, I persisted; there must be something.

Equally unskilled and unscathed, both fearless and reckless, I was a child beginning a lifetime of personal growth. I sensed that through pain would come revelation, and so I practically begged for harakiri.  “You’re too sensitive,” she said. I cried. It stung- and stuck. None of this was Alex’s fault.

“Too sensitive” is a tricky one. In women’s leadership Success Circles, I run an exercise where Circlers post sticky notes with negative personality-based feedback they’ve received. We invariably end up with two sucky clumps: “too hard" and “too soft.” The laugh comes when we realize we’ve gotten it from both sides, often from the same person. Damn, Goldie Locks. 

It makes sense. We open ourselves, we shut ourselves down, and few find the middle. This tricky middle is the connected leadership path; rooting in strengths to open to thrive. Let’s explore how. 

Inherent means “to stick to.” Feedback may be sticky. We walk around with it like a “kick me” sign, becoming self-fulfilling prophecy. Yet, being sticky and sticking to are not the same. With conscious attention, we can take off what’s sticky. We can examine it and discover what’s inherent—a strength to claim. 

Back to the exercise, I then have Circlers look again at the wall of negative personality-based feedback. What strengths do they see inherent in these words? Each pulls a note, flips it over, and writes a strength.  “Too sensitive," in this case, might become "courageous.” Courageous enough to keep your “cour”- heart- open. 

Back to the moment I was told I was too sensitive and cried. Part of me wishes we could all cry in any moment that hurts, anytime, any place. Tears are healing, increasing oxytocin and endorphins while releasing toxins and lowering cortisol. And we have work that requires collective focus. When our emotions take center, we pull vital energy. Furthermore, many are extremely uncomfortable with demonstrable emotion. Alienating team members is not connected leadership.   

And so, we must learn to keep our hearts open and manage our emotions. This is part of the lifelong process of building emotional intelligence (EQ). To the degree we’re called to connect, we must be diligent in building our capacity to emotionally regulate. Our colleagues are not our mental health professionals or our families. They are ideally mutually supportive, professional friends. Being a connected leader does not mean oversharing, emotionally dump-trucking, or otherwise highjacking the energy of the day. It means being open to feeling and developing the skills to navigate what comes up.

At work, many of us want to know and don’t want to feel.  And, feeling gives way to knowing. Openness allows us to receive intelligence. A well-regulated emotion system can become our internal guidance system. Like a game of “hot / cold,” we can feel out what feels good and what feels bad, helping direct our choices. When we numb out, we end up jumping into the fire or freezing on a snow bank. If you find yourself feeling lost on your career path, pause to feel. I’ve found, more often than not, when a client says, “I don’t know,” they're saying, “I don’t want to feel.” When they feel, they know. 

Cut back to my sticky morning. Let’s look at the strengths inherent. I asked for feedback. This shows my strength of openness. I got it. This shows the strength of our relationship. She trusted in—and cared about—our relationship enough to be honest. Far from the fear of disconnection underlying my shame spiral, through this feedback, our connection can grow stronger. 

Being connected feels all sorts of ways. By examining what’s sticky, we can find what's inherent and thrive together. 

Resource yourself and your organization to thrive with Next Level Leadership's one-on-one coaching and Success Circles peer coaching programs. Visit us at www.the-next-level.com to learn more.